Foreword -- Letter to my children -- Who's who in the cast -- Rue the day -- "Drinking the Kool-Aid" -- Family-friendly -- Have children : the condition -- The Lone Ranger -- Anti-family -- I confess -- Happy days are here again -- The pharaoh and the slave -- Vice president -- My dad, the professional wrestler -- The narcissist's guide to babies and toddlers -- When women get lazy -- Oh my God, you're pregnant? -- Witchcraft -- Newbornland -- Dogfight -- Circumcision -- The invasion -- Eat the coleslaw! -- Toddlerhood -- The evil within -- Secrets and lies -- A critical analysis of children's literature -- No further questions -- Bring in da noise -- The Chud people -- Monsters -- Nothing in common -- Hotel New York City -- Vamanos -- Is it too soon to start dating again? -- I'll be your tour guide -- Pale force -- Learnin' them -- A self-portrait -- Your special day -- Losing my religion -- No such thing as a free babysitter -- How to put five kids to bed in a two-bedroom apartment -- Negotiating with terrorists -- My former bed -- Morning has been broken -- Naps are payday loans -- Get married, have kids, get fat -- Hand-in-mouth disease -- We need bread -- You win, McDonald's -- How sweet it is -- 'Tis the season -- My other family -- Are you done yet? -- Six kids, Catholic -- The great white baby -- The mousetrap -- Picture this -- Snow job -- On the road again -- Eskimo pies -- You're going to miss this.